To be there

I have always been a lonely person in need of friends. It can seems contradictory but i think it is not. I need friends to appreciate loneliness, loneliness that i need to appreciate friends. It's funny during parties i really enjoy to set me appart and have a look at all those humans cheering all together (afraid of tomorrow?).

I could explain that by my feeling of being different though it took me around half a century to know how i am "different". It is not (only) my homosexuality, it's just a side-effect. I am just someone different, with different sight on the world, my mind full of daemons, my in(t/f)ernal daemons...

Anyway, i was really close to my mother before and only to her (yes i know, so stereotyped). With her death a some years ago, i started to be a little closer to my father but finally by moving away for studies then to go work abroad now i am quite far. At the same he is continuing to stay closer to me but i can't at the moment, i changed too much. My life changed, i'm a grown up (almost), i gain money from my work, i have friends they can't imagine, i have bf they have no idea... i manage my life and it is so different from they think.

Anyway (2), it is not the purpose of this note. Recently my father talk to me of my brother. He is in couple with a "so so girl" (to talk nice). I saw her more than a few times, she is quite cute, not mean but not interesting at all.

I know my brother, he may look like a good redneck sometimes but he is not. He started his own company and after 2 years it's going really good and he is well educated. I still remember one of his first serious girfriend. She was going to be lawyer. They were so perfect together...but they live to far from each other and were not able to live at the same place (big city vs countryside).

Finally, my father asked me to talk my brother but since 1 year i called him once and chatted with him less than 5 times. To call him to talk about his couple, to let him understand that finally he could break up. Yes because he said already it's not going well for them, he just got used to it and.... i think he is really afraid to be alone for a long time, it's not easy in deep country side!

So? I made (unconsciously) everything i could to be far from them and now i should be there for them? I don't even know if, when i ll come back, they will accept me as i am. Well, as you should know, i am a good boy and i will try to talk to him but he can be so stubborn.

...maybe it will be easier for me when i come back then....aaaaaah.... communication my family biggest flaw.